US ‘names secret terror suspects’

Washington D.C, 9:00am

The United States has released a list of  what it describes as “super duper secret terror suspects”. A spokeswoman for the Obama administration has said “we have run out of luck trying to catch these people so we’re turning to the public to help track them down. The following are some of the most wanted people in the world.”

The Devil

 

“The Devil is top of our list, he is wanted for creating rock and roll music, sin, same sex marriage and unbaptised babies. The devil is thought to be hiding out somewhere hot and where loose morals are prevalent. We suspect he is either in Las Vegas or the Spanish island of Ibiza, we have been in contact with the Spanish authorities but they cannot confirm that he is or ever was in Ibiza. The Devil is recogniseable by his cloven hooves, goatee and horns, he is often carrying a pitchfork. If you see him, do not approach him.”

Dr.Claw

 

“He calls himself Dr.Claw, all we know about him he was once a dentist and he has a taste for Cuban cigars. He talks with a distinctive husky voice and has a cat, we are unsure if the cat is also evil. We have put one of our best men on the case of stopping the work of Dr.Claw, we cannot release more details at this time because we do not wish to compromise our agent in the field, for the sake of this press conference we will call him inspector gadget.”

The Beatles

 

“The Beatles are still wanted for witchcraft”

Didier Drogba

 

“Didier Drogba is wanted for undermining sporting goodwill and generally acting like a dickhead, it is believed he has gone underground, or is at least laying on the ground, perhaps after another player ran by him. He is easily recognisable for his poor sportsmanship and worse language”

Uber-Terrorist Hans Gruber

 

“Hans Gruber is wanted for a terrorist attack at the Nakatomi Plaza building in downtown Los Angeles in 1988.  It was thought he died in the attack but with the reactivation of agent John McLean in 2008 it is thought a comeback of Hans Gruber is a strong possibility.”

Cliched Super Villains

 

“The league of Cliched Super Villains are more of a novelty than a threat but they are still to be considered a threat by the sheer fact there is twenty six of them”

Enya

 

“Eithne Patricia Ní Bhraonáin or Enya as she is known is wanted for inflicting psychological torture on the population of the world,Phil Coulter is also wanted on these charges.”

The US government has implored the governments of the world to support them in finding and capturing or killing the people on the list.

(for the real story click here)

Dec (dec@comedyireland.ie)