Too Poo

Sweary

Apparently, there was a big to-do t’other day because U2 were putting on a show in the barn or some such. One of the wans at work was only delighted when she managed to nab four tickets, and to see the corners of her mouth droop when I shrugged and said I had less interest in U2 than in the mating rituals of silverfish near broke me fucking heart, so it did. Not enough for me to feign interest, mind. My heart was broken; it wasn’t bleeding.

I’m not the biggest fan of

I wouldn’t really rate

I can’t fucking stand U2. Ah, yeah, they were tolerable in the 80s and all that, I know, I know. Nowadays though? Ah, can’t we let them shuffle off and give the limelight to someone new? Are we all such fuddy-duddies that we can’t bear the idea of scouting for something fresh and deserving? Stupid U2 and their poncy politics and hairy hypocrisy!

I don’t mind the name, though. U2. It’s quite catchy, and for that we should be glad. We have such a history of bands with shite names… didn’t you know? And so, without further effyou, it’s…

5: Big Tom and the Mainliners.

I do accept that Tom and his junkie brethren really named their band in the haze of innocence rather than heroin, but, seeing where Ireland was headed in the 1980s, seeing the skangers get skinnier while their vowels got longer, could they not have held a meeting and discussed a possible change of tactics? It’s a wonder they weren’t killed by Dubs stampeding away from cold turkey. Drug droughts will do terrible things to your PR.

4: Hothouse Flowers.

I’ve been trying to think of occasions where it would be acceptable to use the word “flowers” in band nomenclature. Perhaps a gimmicky metal band peopled by scary chicks in red leather – Satan’s Flowers? Or maybe some cute J-Pop rigmarole- Flower San! Or perhaps a Dublin punk outfit – The Bleedin’ Flowers. But no. There’s really no fucking reason on earth to have the word “flowers” in your fucking band name. Flowers are for ailing grannies and new mams. FLOWERS ARE PONCY. And the only thing more poncy than flowers are exotic flowers grown with special privileges. PONCY I TELLS YOU!

3: An Emotional Fish.

What? WHAT?

2: Ham Sandwich.

Ham Sandwich are the most interesting band in Ireland. Actually, that’s not entirely true. Niamh Farrell is the most interesting frontperson in Ireland. She had a surprise baby. She was arrested for stealing fourteen grand from her workplace. She said, about the her band, “it’s a bit of a blessing I guess, no-one ever forgets the name”. Which kinda misses the point, because we’re so slaughtered laughing at Niamh’s crazy exploits and the name Ham Sandwich, that we’re not paying any attention to the music. I think it’s music. I don’t know. They might be some performance art troupe or something. Besides, I’m a vegetarian.

1: You Thought It Would Be Ham Sandwich But No It’s…

Westlife!

Westlife. West-life. WEST. LIFE. Is this a guide to surviving Galway Arts Week, tripping fisherman, Macnas, or Sharon Shannon’s driving? No! This is a fucking collective of soundalike cockknobs in white suits with white smiles. Westlife? Who the fuck came up with that one? COCKKNOBS IS SO MUCH BETTER!

Perhaps I’ve missed a few. Please do add your additions freely. I enjoy the company.