Dublin, 09:00


Recent graduates of educational institutes have been highlighting what they say is a “deeply disturbing and psychologically damaging” social phenomenon. Students and ex-students are complaining to the government that having to view people already in employment as they collect their social welfare payments is making them feel guilty and “like spongers”. Fintan O’Toole, spokesperson for the “coalition against viewing employment” or CAVE has said “Well, the way things are we know we can’t get jobs. It looks like we wont be able to get jobs for a long time, CAVE believes that exposing people to employment when it is nearly impossible to obtain employment is reckless, careless and insensitive”.

North Cumberland Street


Mr.O’Toole who attends Dublin City University on the cities northside explains how CAVE proposes to limit exposure between those in employment and those claiming unemployment. “We’re not naive, we know we can’t completely block the unemployed from interacting with the employed. What we can do however is take simple steps to keep exposure to a minimum. For example, I sign on at North Cumberland Street social welfare office, CAVE managed to convince the staff at North Cumberland street to allow partial obstructions on the windows to block those inside from looking out on places of business.”

Anto Byrne “Everything that is wrong with society”


CAVE have taken up the cause of 18 year old Anto Byrne who is suing the state for “mental anguish as a result of exposure to employment” in a case that some legal observers have dubbed “The absolute embodiment of everything that is wrong with society”. “Mr.Byrne’s case is a perfect example of how looking at people work causes mental anguish” said the CAVE spokesman. Mr.Byrne said “I do be me mad anguished so I do. Here, one time I was in this Spar, yeah and I was looking at a six pack of Dutch Gold yeah, then the young fella behind the counter looked at me and I bleedin’ flipped the lid so I did, I got mad anguished and legged it. I was so bleedin’ out of me box with mental anguish I couldn’t even let go of the six pack. The bleedin’ Gardai were called and all.” When asked if he thought he could win his case for compensation from the state Mr.Byrne said “I dunno, but sure, someone has to give it a lash. If I don’t win someone will stall it afterwards and they might have better luck,I’m a bit like  your man Martin Luther King”.

David Keating “just shut up”


“I don’t see what they’re complaining about” said David Keating who also has regular business on the premisis of North Cumberland Street.  “They should just shut up and get on with it really, if they spent half the time they put into complaining into actually looking for work then maybe they would have a job. They’re complaining about people having jobs…the economy isn’t great and a lot of people are finding it hard, myself included…but just shut up and get on with it”.


CAVE will continue its campaign and will hold a rally in Dublin city center next Sunday with the aim of stopping buses driving past Social Welfare Offices as seeing the driver can cause “great upset”.


(for the real story click here)


-Dec (dec@comedyireland.ie)

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