Reporter escapes Taliban

Kabul, 9:00

New York Times Reporter Ohio Jones

A reporter for the New York Times has escaped from the Taliban after being held hostage for seven months. Speaking for the first time since his escape he described his captivity and daring escape as “all part of the job”. Ohio Jones has been a foreign culture correspondent with the New York times since the 1980’s and has been described by staff members as “fearless”, “stupid” and “just plain crazy”. Jones, who has a Phd. in cultural studies and is also a lecturer at a university in New York describes his only fear as snakes and nazi’s.

Shahrak Taliban burn a human heart

Jones came to be captured by the Taliban as he was investigating ruins near a UNESCO site in the Shahrak region of Afghanistan. “It was interesting, culturally speaking of course. I got to witness some strange stuff native entirely to the Taliban of the Shahrak region. I witnessed human sacrifice, child labour and people tripping balls on a potent blood based drink, it was fascinating”. Jones decided it was time to escape when it became apparant he was going to be a human sacrifice. “I enjoyed my time there, the complete immersion in such an alien culture was fascinating, but when I realised what they had planned for me I decided it was time to go.”

Jones begins his escape

Dr.Jones began his escape by using the only weapon at his disposal. “I undid my belt and used it as a whip, during my time amongst the Taliban I learned that they did not like being smacked in the face with a leather belt, so I used this to my advantage as best I could.” After battling his way out of the temple in which he was imprisoned he came across a small Afghan village. “After I escaped from the Temple of Do’om I found a tiny Afghan village. The people there were reluctant to help because they would have to deal with the Taliban after I had escaped.”

Short Arse

Luckily for Ohio Jones one boy was willing to help. “Short Arse? Short Arse was a life saver, literally. The Taliban were right behind me but he took me aside and found me an old motorbike left over from when the Soviet Union had invaded Afghanistan in the 80’s.” Even though the bike had been left idle for at least 15 years it somehow worked first time. Not only did it work first time, it went pretty fast.” Jones was able to complete his escape by making a spectacular jump over a mountain pass.

Jones make “epic” jump over mountain pass

It was at that point that Jones saw a passing United States Marines helicopter. “I jumped, I jumped from the bike and grabbed onto the skid of the chopper. The Marines on the chopper couldn’t believe it, I couldn’t believe it, it’s completely unbelievable, ridiculous even.”

Jones said he has no plans for any further adventures but will see what the future holds.

(For the real story click here)

Dec (dec@comedyireland.ie)