How To Act In Social Situations : Step 2

Passing gangs of kids on the street

Location: An estate or side street with a low wall, perfect for drunk pre-teens to perch on and intimidate.

So you go turn the corner and your stomach sinks. Ahead is a group of children, their fresh kicks sparkle as they sway side to side on their various types of transport. Some perch on bikes, others on scooters, the uncomfortable ones roll backwards on rollerblades and… is that a go-kart?! They may be small but when standing together in a tight, enclosed group they resemble Sauron’s army or a bunch of angry chipmunks that are very pissed off with their parents.

The first thing to do is not look like you noticed them. Keep walking. Never hesitate, it is the first sign of weakness. These kids can smell fear. What ever you do, keep walking.

Pretend they are see-through. Practice a casual facial expression in the mirror every night after you brush your teeth to perfect this art. The trick is the look calm and collected but not smug. Never smug. Looking smug may lead to a verbal reaction and that is what we are trying to avoid.

With the calm expression firmly planted on your face make sure to change your eye contact every five seconds, just never look at them. Go from the sky, to pavement, to house, to sky. The minute you make direct eye contact with one of the devil pack it is game over. Remember, you are pretending can’t see them.

Next, make sure it looks like you are carrying nothing valuable. Maybe causally fling your bag over your shoulder to indicate its lack of worth or drag your feet on the ground a bit in an ‘I have no money’ fashion.

Humming to put emphasis on your casualness is optional as it depends on what you are humming. If the singer has a currency symbol replacing a letter in their name then they are acceptable. ‘Oh what a beautiful morning’ or anything from a musical is not.

Repeat “I am an adult” in your head for the duration of this encounter. This will not help you physically but may do wonders for your crestfallen self-esteem afterwards.

As you draw closer you may feel their little, bloodshot eyes bore into you. Stay calm. I know it feels like they are looking into your very soul but don’t let them know they have that power. Get those shoulders down from your ears. Wipe that sweaty palm on the inside of your pocket. Attempt a half smile, like you have just remembered something funny that happened last night while in bed with your lover. Remember that your family love you.

This is the moment, just as you pass them, this is the moment that will make or break you. Some make it past without even a ‘Hiya mister’ or ‘Where you going?’ Others aren’t so lucky.

I heard a story about a guy, a young man at the time, got stopped by about eight ten year olds when walking home one day. They asked him so many questions about his personal life he broke down and just handed them his Blackberry, they didn’t even have to ask. We need to learn from this don’t lose the fight.

If they say anything to you, and that means anything only answer ‘yes’ ‘no’ or ‘maybe.’ The minute you tell them any other details is the minute they have you wrapped around their underdeveloped baby fingers. If they ask you ‘Are you married?’ Say ‘Yes’. If they say ‘You’re fucking bent!’ Say ‘No’. If they ask “what is the equilibrium partial pressure of n2o4?” Say ‘maybe’.

Just keep walking. When you are a safe distance away congratulate yourself on your triumph. You beat those little antisocial uneducated youths at their own game. You are mighty. You are indestructible. Scooter riding eight year olds can kiss your ass, in a non-pervert way of course.

Now walk away with style, like a fat kid walking through all the empty cake wrappers he has turned into a carpet and don’t you ever look back.

Ordering subway with your Mum

Location: Subway

Mum: any parent who has never been to subway

Brian: anyone who has brought a parent to subway

M: Let’s go in here, they sell sandwiches

B: That’s subway, you probably won’t like it

M: Why? It’s just sandwiches

B: No, but there’s certain steps

M: Stop being difficult and come on, there isn’t a Donnybrook fair everywhere dear (goes inside)

B: God help me (goes inside to find his Mum already looking distressed)

M: Just a cibatta with bree and rocket

B: Mum, you can’t order that

M: It’s fine, my weight watchers meeting isn’t till next week. Bree and rocket, please.

B: No, you have to pick which bread you want

M: Cibatta

B: Oh god. No, from this basket

M: Are they out of cibatta?

B: (to person behind counter) She’ll have a hearty Italian, 6”.

M: 6”? I don’t want a pizza!

B: It’s just the size, go with me on this. Now, what meat do you want?

M: I’ve been a vegetarian for five years. Oh the councillor was right; we don’t spend enough time together.

B: No, we do. We spend loads of time together. Look at us now, having loads of fun. (to person behind counter) Veggie Delight, cheese and toasted

M: Bree please, or have you got goats cheese with cranberries?

B: Oh no, they usually do, just spicy or plain today I’m afraid (eyes person behind counter to not correct him)

M: Oh no, what is your free range cheese option?

-silence-

B: No cheese. Thanks

M: Are you not getting something?

B: No I’m fine

M: But you’re wasting away, (to person behind counter) isn’t he wasting away?

B: Mum please don’t ask members of the public their option about my weight. Now what salad would you like?

M: How long has all this been out in the open for?

B: Oh my god, please just tell the man what you want. I can’t handle this.

M: See we don’t spend enough time together. We used to get on so well but we’ve only spent a few hours together and already we’re fighting.

B: We’re not fighting, I just really want you to have a nice sandwich (sighs)

M: First you forget I’m a vegetarian, next you’ll forget that my birthday is…

B: …Augu…

M: May…

B: May fiftee…

M: Twenty

B: May twentieth

M: Twenty fifth. Oh god this is awful! (hyperventilating)

B: Relax. Please. I was only pretending before. Of course I know you’re a vegetarian. I was kidding!

M: Really? (still hyperventilating) I just feel like your slipping away from me and there’s nothing I can do about it, and I don’t know how long the salad has been out and the lettuce looks really old and I don’t think I’ll like it with no cheese and, ah, ah, AH!

B: Ok calm, you’re just confused. This is a confusing place. Everything is new and unfamiliar. Let’s just forget the sandwich and then get you into some sort of florist or hand-weavers craft fair, ok?

M: Ok, that would be nice

B: Ok let’s go

M: I’ll have the sandwich if they have Ballymaloe relish.

B: Let’s leave quicker

Going to the Oscars

The basics

• You are excited to be there. Tell every newscaster this as much as possible.
• You are excited about your next up and coming project. Tell anyone who will listen this. Excited is the key word.
• Wear a dress that inhibits your walking ability so you can use that as an excuse so you don’t have to waste time signing countless autographs
• You love everyone, especially your parents and ever supportive family.
• Even though you are also famous, pretend to be awestruck to be there. This gives a nice down-to-earth feel to your carefully constructed personality.
• Avoid questions you don’t want to answer with your own stab at a sense of humor. This is best achieved by saying something that makes no sense and then giggling a lot.
• If you are a ‘royal’ such as Streep or Clooney, make sure to have your glide perfected. People like you don’t walk down the carpet like everyone else, you glide.
• If you have an image to protect pretend that even if you were at home you wouldn’t even be watching this on the TV. Learn all the names of the independent films nominated off by heart and mention them as much as possible.
• When the reaction-cam zooms in during the show grab your partners arm and pretend he/she just told a hilarious joke. Laugh for as long as possible while looking passionately into each others eyes until the camera goes elsewhere.
• For the duration of the night hold your stomach in, stick your bum out and hold your head high so all the right bones stick out of all the right places. Visualise being a giraffe, if it helps.