Pat Kenny, in a haze of mildly racist gobshitery and lobotomised simpering, has at last been shunted out the door of decided to leave The Late Late Show for less demanding climes, where he probably won’t be assaulted by lunatics…

Late Late Show Intruder

… bemused by Tommy Tiernan, or mortified by toys that won’t work in demonstrations by steely-eyed Damiens on the annual Toy Show.

And so Ireland speculates. Who will helm the doddery ship “Late Late” now, with Kenny back in cold storage and Gay Byrne vacuum-packed by his own deification? The tabloids are pondering the likelihood of various specimens of recognisable flotsam taking the reins, but I don’t like any of their predictions: Gerry Ryan (cunt), Ryan Tubridy (low-carb cunt), Grainne Seoige (librarian on lithium), Miriam O’Callaghan (unpredictably fertile). There are bound to be better candidates! Aren’t there? I mean, what about…

Motormouth Dave Fanning!

Pros: Able to interview 400 guests in the two hour time slot.

Cons: There aren’t 400 interesting people in Ireland.

Professional Durty Burd Lucy Kennedy!

Pros: Can talk about her minge to liven things up when “cultural” guests are on.

Cons: RTE won’t be happy when forced to explain the term “spitroasted by Ronan O’Gara and Brian O’Driscoll” to elderly viewers.

Celtic Tigress Amanda Brunker!

Pros: Can and will interview herself if left in lurch by unreliable A-listers.

Cons: Will have to interview herself when no one else will fit in the studio with that astounding mouth, ego and southbound rack.

Popular comedian Ed Byrne!

Pros: Has a surname we could all get behind in sentimental righteousness.

Cons: Is an insufferable maggot.

Bright young thing and representative of what we’ve become, Ross O’Carroll Kelly!

Pros: Delightful turn of phrase. Unlikely to become intimidated by famous guests.

Cons: Not actually real.

Bastions of Modern Ireland, The Guards!

Pros: Really good at interviewing arty types.

Cons: Will arrest satirists on sight. Tommy Tiernan would certainly be no longer welcome (may yet prove a pro).


National Legend Michael Collins!

Pros: Not afraid to tackle difficult sociopolitical subjects.

Cons: Shite at debating with the English. Died in 1922.

Alright. Fair enough. So not all of the above are examples worth promoting. But c’mon – Gerry fucking Ryan? The last thing a lame duck needs riding it into Friday’s sunset is a walking slab of foie fucking gras.

(This is an excerpt from Sweary’s blog?http://www.arseendofireland.com/ Sweary is the winner of the ‘09 blog?award for best humour blog)
Tagged as: Arse end of Ireland

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