Brian Lenihan Unveils Micro Budget

Dublin, 4:00pm GMT

Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan

There was a hushed, eerie silence around Leinster house today as Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan rose to his feet to deliver a the micro-budget to end all micro-budgets. He began by outlining the state the finances of the nation are in. “We need two billion euro’s….two billion…..rainman couldn’t do this.” With slumped shoulders he then added “but sure I gave it a lash”. Taking a crumpled piece of A4 paper from his back pocket he spread it out on the table in front of him and using the back of his hand to smooth out the creases and with a trembling, quaking voice he began. Here follows an abridged version of the micro budget.

“Not since Micro-Godzilla rose out of the sea and came ashore on the outskirts of Micro-Tokyo has any nation known such a massive micro-threat to its people. The April ’09 micro-budget is as follows, commencing at midnight tonight cigarettes will increase by two euro…per cigarette, placing the total price of a pack of twenty at forty euro. In accordance with talks with the minister for health and the minister for justice it has been decided that the age for purchasing cigarettes will be dropped to thirteen. The government tax seal will change from a harp, to a picture of the Pokemon character, Pikachu and there will be GAA trading cards inside.

There will be a new tax of 10cent on birthday cake candles and a 50c tax on the cake itself. Due to the recent success of earth hour we are happy to announce a string of impromptu earth days to save the environment. To some this may sound like introducing rolling black outs, but, I assure you it is to save the environment and secure a future for our children.

The government appreciates that the public is feeling angry at the perceived unfairness in how we are approaching the current economic crisis. In response to the level of disquiet and public unrest the government is announcing a 1cent levy on the word “fat cat”, a 1 euro charge on picket signs and we will be placing swear jars in the middle of every town in the country, because, well come on now, there is no need for that sort of language really.

The age for retirement will be put back to 80 and the state pension will now be awarded only to people who get three stars on ‘winning steak’ scratch cards. . .scratch cards will now cost a minimum of 6 euro.

Social welfare payments will be increased by 10% putting the maximum Jobseekers Allowance up to 220 euro. However, this will now be awarded monthly instead of weekly.

Due to the current economic crisis we can no longer afford to run the country, so, unfortunately the following counties have been laid off. Longford, Cork, Mayo, Sligo,Leitrim and Westmeath, good luck lads, you’ve been great and I wish ye all the best in the future.

The government is pleased to announce the price of the pint will stay the same, however we are introducing a one euro levy on the use of pint glasses.

The government is aware the people are unhappy with the performance of the Health Service Executive and as such we are announcing the introduction of the “You do it better scheme” wherein members of the public will be selected randomly to run the health service and participation is mandatory. In the same vein, juries will be cut to six people instead of 12 and they must provide their own packed lunches. Trials can now last no longer than three hours and elections will be held every ten years as opposed to five.

To summarise, I understand these measures may cause anger, but, I am assured they are necessary.”

Although Minister Lenihan has acknowledge that this will be an unpopular micro-budget he has included measures which he hopes will show the people that the budget will effect everyone. The controversial “giant arrow” project has been cancelled. The project would have seen millions of Euro put forward to create a giant arrow pointing to the county town of Drogheda, it would have been the first Irish structure visible from space.

“Giant Arrow” Artists Impression

It is not certain how the public will react to this budget, however an indication of the Governments confidence in the measure can be ascertained from the fact that Brian Cowen was not present during the budget speech and was spotted exiting the Pro Cathedral in Dublin with rosary beads in one hand and a can of ‘Devils Bit’ cider in each pocket.