A Novel Pursuit II: Great Big Hairy Ballsacks, Batman!

Sweary

Ive got the next week off work, and I must say that it feels better than being gently dragged by male models over a silken carpet to get to a slice of carrot cake.

Jesus, I hope carrot cake is not some horrible male euphemism for a specialist act only seen in pornographic movies. Its probably not. Is it? Nah, probably not. Im just feeling a bit paranoid because Ive been analysing my StatCounter search terms again and aghast at the amount of lustful arse fans whove come (ahem) onto my blog whilst on the lookout for something a lot more graphic and smelly. I really shouldnt say cunt so much. Ugh. Men are weird.

The publishing world seems to think so too; apparently, men dont buy books. Oh, that might be over-simplifying it, but every brush Ive had with literary professionals and associated spewers of advice was tainted with the insistence that I just have to learn to market to women, because only women buy books. This is of particular depressing significance because the protagonist of my er debut novel is male. Very male. And very straight. Straight as a Megan Fox photoshoot straight. The kind of male whod clamber in wonky rollerskates over nuclear warheads for a blonde in hotpants. Hmm.

No matter. I mean, I could always shelve that project until my Booker Prize nomination, and instead make Novel II my er debut novel. Only the protagonist of Novel II is male too. Not as likely to shag bikini models on every page, granted; hes a teacher, so is that bit older and wiser than the protagonist of er my debut debut novel. The second protagonist does enjoy the illicit company of his seventeen-year-old student, though, which is a bit male of him. Ah, bollocks.

Well, theres always the chance of bringing planned Novel III to the top of the pile, at least shite. Just remembered that the protagonist of Novel III is a stupid straight male as well.
Now, dont take that as meaning that Im a shocking misogynist; some of my best friends are women. The protagonist imbalance came out of nothing but chance; interesting people are as likely to be male as female even more interesting if you go by my StatCounter search terms. Why should I have to conjure up an entirely new ladyperson and compose an entirely new adventure around her and her gigglesome exploits just because men dont buy books? For fucks sake, like! I do strong female characters. Well, I dont do them. The male protagonists do them. Either way theyre strong, feisty, intelligent just not exactly centre-stage.

Female Arse End fans! Would the fact that its protagonist was a young man stop you buying a novel? Would you run from Easons, howling into your latte, if you couldnt find an oestrogen-laden blubfest or a hard-fitting detective story featuring a main character with a crisp blouse and no first name in the Recently Published section? Did the pink fluffiness of the available market stop Nick Hornby writing High Fidelity, About A Boy or Fever Pitch? Not that Im a fan of Hornby; Id like to stress that while Ive paid good money for a couple of his novels, Im never going to promote them to friends. Hornbys not even a guilty pleasure; hes just something to read whilst eating toast. Eating toast. God, I hope thats not some horrible male euphemism for a specialist act seen only in pornographic movies! Its probably not is it?

Yeah. Maybe I should stop writing as men. At the moment, men make me very, very nervous.

Anyway, the moral of this blog post is that Ive got a week off and Im writing my arse off by way of enjoying my free time. Also that, without the structure provided by 39 hours of rolling my eyes behind my bosss back, Im drinking way too much coffee. Obviously.

(On that note, are the few male deviants who read likely to pick up and pay for a book featuring a woman protagonist, Clarice Starling and the crime genre notwithstanding? I know that some of my readers here are utter deviants (you, who arrived seaching Google for girls like being arse fucked, I have your IP address!) so maybe you can help shed some light on the preconception.)

(This is an excerpt from Swearys blog?http://www.arseendofireland.com/ Sweary is the winner of the 09 blog?award for best humour blog)