How to be Noah Cyrus


Stop reading books and start dieting. No eight year old ever got anywhere in Hollywood with a big brain and big waist. It’s all about micro these days, make sure to do a set of lunges every hour. Always pretend to eat loads of crap fast-food on sites such as twitter, but don’t actually eat it. This is your image you’re trying to protect, soon you’ll be thirteen and you’ll have to start looking sexy, do all the hard work now and I’ll be a breeze.

 

Do something scandalous everyday. The minute there is the absence of your name in a magazine next to ‘SCANAL’ run out and get a piercing, preferably on your belly button or septum. Be creative with your everyday scandals, this way the papers won’t be bored. One day you could pretend to ‘let it slip’ that you can’t wait to have kids, the next you could insinuate lesbianism.

 

Pray! Pray your little ass off. You have to counteract all the bad press that is making you famous with all the good little marshmallow shit that is making you loved. Praise the lord preacher style as the answer to as many interview questions as you can.

 

Example: “When is your next album out?” = “Well, with the help of God the Father, very soon!

 

“What’s your favourite ice-cream flavour” = “Everyday I praise the lord that I am privileged enough to enough mint-choc whenever I want.”

 

“What’s your dog called?” = “Jesus” …etc

 

Now, run to your closet with a scissors, don’t run with the scissors actually, I heard that’s dangerous, and you have very small hands. When you arrive at your closet at a reasonable pace, start cutting every hemline you see at least 3 inches shorter than the original. There is no room for modesty in the world of child stars, look to Drew Barrymore for inspiration. She was on coke by the age of 12 and look how famous she still is. This is what we strive for so study her. Read Drew’s biography, put posters of her on your wall, watch E.T.

 

It is your mission to find a nice, unsuitable boyfriend in the next few months; this is the clincher. Without the bad boy, who will hopefully be much more famous than you so you can jump onto his bandwagon, you are just a skinny eight year old with a boys name. Sneak into some after show parties with your sisters ID, or get Daddy to set you up on some play dates with his celebrity friends’ sons. Make sure that these dates take place in your back garden pool so the paparazzo in helicopters can take pictures of the romantic day.

 

Remember, your sister is ‘bad influence’ personified, listen to her, she is wise in the ways of making headlines and being sexy. Any poles you see in everyday life must be danced on. This includes bus stops, parts of sculptors and very tall peoples’ legs. Make sure one of your posse takes pictures/videos of the pole-dancing and tweet it the minute you are finished with an innocent tag line like “I love dancing!” No-one will ever realise that every move you ever make is completely premeditated and organised by your brilliant PR people.

 

 

 

Making a chick-flick in a few short steps


The main character must be flawed but in a positive way, like she works all the time, or loves her family too much, or is scared of puppies.

 

The male lead has to have a dreamy smile. That should be added into the script, just so the casting director knows. “Then he smiled his dreamy smile.”

 

The actresses who play main girls two best mates should consist of one singer who is trying their hand at acting. Choose from Jessica Simpson, Taylor Swift, one of Girls Aloud or similar.

 

The other friend should represent a common stereotype:

 

1) A mother who just can’t stop having kids and keeps forgetting to wash shit off their face.

2) A single gal whose hobbies include listening to punk rock and feminism.

3) Or the witty one, who’s a bit fat, a bit sad but who always knows the funny thing to say at all occasions.

 

The cars everyone drives should directly represent the personality of the character who owns it. If they are quirky it should be a yellow mini, if they are a diva it should be a white limo…etc

 

The mother/father/grandparent of the leading man should be an alcoholic who says rude things when drunk and bored at family occasions.

 

The main girl’s pet, whether it’s a dog, pig, peacock or ferret, must be hurt, lost or killed in a highly predictable but amusing scene by the leading man.

 

The phrases “I’m not who you think I am,” “I’m in love with him, not you” or “before I met you I never realised I liked bacon,” should be used at least once in the ending ‘I’ve found myself’ speech.

 

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