Vamps Dire Dave October 13, 2009 Blogs Dyou know what Im sick of? Up to the teeth, down to the ankles, to the tips of my neck hairs and the creases on the backs of my fucking knees, Im sick of vampires. THEY MAKE ME DIE. Theyre bloody everywhere at the moment, arent they? I dont mean this in any figurative sense, although some of the weasels we have in public office in this country could well be described as blood-suckers, and oily, smarmy, widows-peak embellished ones at that. Nor do I believe that vampires are real (I relied for years on that mathematic equation that disproves their existence), but just because somethings not real, doesnt mean it cant permeate popular culture like a soggy towel dripping onto a warping hardwood floor. Obviously. Like, look at the Bible, thats been very successful. Weve had vampires for quite some time now; there were gentryfolk in odd gaffs in Eastern Europe who bathed in the blood of virgins, and warlords who compensated for having stupid names by ripping the heads off their enemies and making gory sunflowers out of them. We can blame Bram Stoker (and as hes dead, Dublin, by proxy) for the romanticisation of the nasty fiends, not because he found vampires to be utterly dreamy and scribbled feverishly with one hand down his pants, but because his themes regarding sexuality have been swallowed by people not as intelligent, and regurgitated horribly. Which is now why, instead of vampires being scary, merciless yokes, who strike fear into the hearts of mortals and burst veins for a living weve got sensitive, brooding vampires with floppy hair and poetic inner torment. How did this happen? I mean, nothing (everything, really) against Twilight or Twilight fans, because theres nothing new there, but why is a demon who survives on stolen blood a fucking sex symbol? These things are monsters, are they not? They come into your room at night and attack your arteries! They hang out in darkened alleyways, making eyes at rats/drunken prostitutes, and have awkward overbites, and must smell like slaughterhouses. Theyre a vegetarians nightmare. They cant eat solids. They dribble. Theyve got bad breath. Theyre terrible kissers. Theyre anaemic and touchy. Retractable fangs notwithstanding, they must scab up their lips something rotten. They stay in bed all day, beds made for one with wooden sides, like a babys cot. Their salt intakes must be extremely extreme. All of their seduction techniques are based on the fact that they want to feast on you; whats the difference, I ask you, between a vampire and a Jack Russell humping your leg? Not a lot of fodder for the wank bank there, surely, even if youre a skittish fourteen year old with no friends. I was at the cinema twice over the weekend, and both times there were vampires all over the walls. No, not crawling about looking for necks to nibble, which is what they would do, not go snogging impressionably passionate young wans in the back row. No, there were posters aplenty for the upcoming Twilight and Darren Shan flicks, both of whom feature pretty creatures with untameable hair and pale, soft smiles and twinkly bits. No predators here, thank ee very much (although those in the know say that the accidental predatory undertones in the Twilight saga are close to an apology for spousal abuse – physical, that is, not rape, coz sex is durrrty and nice, non-threatening vampires dont engage with anything as filthy as genitalia, even symbolic genitalia Jesus, the light at the end of this sentence is a misplaced train of thought, hold on a minute ) They had this problem with the Blade saga, as I recall; they made the bad guys so identifiable and non-threatening that they had to create mutated bad guys for the bad guys to battle. I miss the bad guys, basically. No ones going to be scared by the notion that Robert Pattinson is in the back seat of their car, flattening his jack-in-the-box barnet and licking/nicking his lips. Turned on, maybe, if you like them full-lipped with designer stubble, but hardly frightened. Emo vampires that look like Amy Lee are a terrible departure from the monster in the castle on the hill, and I dont like it one bit. I havent seen a decent horror in years. Interview with The Vampire? Angel? Mosquitoes are more threatening, and much cheaper dates. In summation I cant take credit for that, mind. I worry for the future, you know. The only fear not beautified out of me now is that zombies will shortly be portrayed as misunderstood, passionate sex gods. Ooh, a gap in the market! See you in six months, fuckers. Im gonna exploit this ones brains out. Tweet
