The English Premiership returns

Premier League “back by popular demand”

Dublin 9:00am

There was a collective sigh of relief  as the Premier League returned to television screens across Ireland this weekend. Both men and lesbians were reported to be delighted that every Saturday,Sunday and the occasional Monday night will be solely devoted to talking about, then viewing then talking about 22 men and a round ball. There will be no respite from the onslaught of football till Christmas and even then it will be all drunken uncles talk about.

“Pub attendence low”

 

Drunken uncles will not be the only people who are happy with the return of the Premier League. Publicans and Take Aways will be delighted with the influx of people through their doors over the coming months. Speaking exclusively a local publican told us that he was very happy with the starting of the new season. “It definitely could not have come at a better time for me. With the recession people have been very depressed and looking for an excuse to drink, they now have that excuse, they can come in and drink for two hours in the middle of the day without anyone thinking it a bad thing.”

A big girls blouse

 

Football coming home is also good news for the thousands and thousands of emotionally repressed people who will travel hundreds of miles to scream advice and criticism at athletes who are playing the sport at a higher level than they ever will. Psychologist Anders Keff  said “these people who get so emotionally invested in a game they aren’t even playing in are weird, passion for a team is one thing, but people who cry are just big jessies.”

“What do you mean game of two halves”

 

Football fans were not the only ones warming up for the new season. Their wives and girlfriends have also been preparing for the return of the season. Wives and girlfriend are thought to be unhappy with the fact that men will not be available on Saturday afternoons to do odd jobs like erecting trellis and painting sheds. A spokeswoman for the Federation of Football Widows said “Every year it’s the same, my fella didn’t even like football till I started talking about starting a market garden. I dunno, I’m trying to improve him and all he wants to do is drink, I don’t understand it personally.”

The premiership will be accompanied by the occasional Glasgow derby otherwise known as the Scottish League.

(For the real story click here)

– Dec (dec@comedyireland.ie)