North Korea, 9:00am(GMT)
Yesterday in a move long anticipated by rocket enthusiasts, North Korea launched what it described as “a satellite of eternal friendship” in a move sparking mixed responses from world leaders.The secretive state, thought to be located somewhere between South Korea and China has long been threatening to launch long range missiles with the intent of shooting down the sun, it is believed North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il finds the sun “offensive” and “counter revolutionary”. A spokesman from the North Korean Ministry for “The leader’s odd jobs and errands” said “The leader said the sun was a spying device for the Americans and he took personal offence to it on a clear day”. It is now thought the famed North Korean Mass Games were in actual fact a controlled government ordered rain dance designed to cause cloud cover to try and bring a peaceful resolution to Kim Jong-Il’s grievance with the sun. “The satellite of eternal friendship was the next necessary step in our attempt to resolve this crisis for our people” said the spokesman.

Jong-Il mocks the sun as rocket launches.
Responses to the launch have been pouring in from world leaders and Willie O’Dea. America led the way, with President Obama calling for North Korea to “accept this opportunity and hope for lasting change”. A spokesman for South Korea’s Ministry for Reunification said “….they tried to shoot down the sun, seriously. Do you know what it is like sharing a border with someone who wants to shoot down the sun? Un-f*****g-believable” The spokesman then declined to answer any questions saying “I just need a lie down.” Russia’s President Dimitri Medvedev said “It is my opinion that it is a good thing to have more people to help us upset the Americans”. China, who is North Korea’s best (and some say only) friend in the region said in a sarcastic tone “we’re very busy at the moment preparing a statement that will condemn North Korea, we’ll call you when it is ready”, that was five hours ago. Minister for Defence Willie O’Dea said “I don’t see what all the fuss is about, sure that sort of thing happens here all the time” when asked if he could repeat the question we had just asked him he responded “Ah, sure, you know yourself” and proceeded to pretend that his mobile phone had rang, he then walked away.
“I envision this being remembered as a red letter day” said Brian Francis, Professor of Rocketology at Trinity College, Dublin. “My concern is not with North Korea, my concern is with others who might be trying to shoot the sun out of the sky for other reasons. We know North Korea is trying, but it is thought militant anti-global warming groups have been after this technology. One fundamentalist group, known as Green-War have been operating on a slogan of “Kill the Sun, save the Earth”. It is these groups we must watch out for. We know these groups exist and this launch can only act as an encouragement to them.”
It is not known if North Korea has plans to attempt another launch anytime soon. They are however thought to be actively pursuing ways to stop the sun annoying Kim Jong-Il, American intelligence has released blueprints it says it obtained from North Korea. The blueprints seem to detail a giant pair of sunglasses that the C.I.A says will be built in the centre of Pyongyang and each lens will be roughly twice the height of the Spire of Dublin.

 

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