How to stay warm and safe during the cold snap

Given the recent cold weather I thought I would provide you with seven helpful hints to stay warm and safe.

1. In order to stay warm use animals Tom Crean the famous Antarctic explorer used to swear by hugging puppies. He used to make long treks across the tundra, stark naked except for puppies glued to his chest and genitals.

2. Avoid clichés at all costs.

3. Exercise is important for circulation; however a light jog or some star jumps are the preferred course of action. It is not advised that you take your shirt off and dig a ten foot hole in the snow as you will die.

4. Buy a fur coat. You’ll probably go to hell for buying a fur coat BUT, can you honestly think of a better use for Minks? (also, it’s warm in hell, forever it’s not warm here, now)

5. Avoid Jake Gillenha…Gyllen…..Avoid Donnie Darko at all costs. He has a poor track record in cold situations.

6. If you had planned to invade Russia in the near future postpone it until Spring, It is never a good idea to invade Russia but it is a particularly bad idea to invade Russia in cold weather.

7. There has not been many Yeti sightings reported across the country however it is important to be careful as the cold snap is perfect camouflage for the yeti and the fact that you are not expecting a yeti plays to his advantage, not yours.