How To Act In Social Situations : Step 6

A conversation

J: Jessica Simpson

A: Ashlee Simpson

A: It’s weird isn’t it?

J: What? What’s weird?

A: Like, my life and stuff. Compared to yours.

J: I never compare my life to yours

A: Really? Are you sure?

J: Yea, I’d never even thought about it.

A: Well, if you think about it, it’s weird. Cause like I now have everything you’ve ever wanted.

J: No you don’t, I’m happy.

A: But I have a husband and like a happy marriage.

J: You know Nick wouldn’t let me put a leash on him like you do to Pete.

A: Yea, it’s such a pity, cause once you have your husband trained to like be your servant, it’s really lovely.

J: Well I’m happy being single cause I get to date lots of guys.

A: I have a baby. Haven’t you always wanted a baby?

J: I have a dog

A: Didn’t it get eaten by a coyote?

J: Mmmm

A: In front of you

J: Mmmm

A: Like you watched as the coyote ripped your dog into sheds

J: I’m still not jealous of you

A: My baby wasn’t eaten by a coyote.

J: I can get another dog!

A: Well what about my body, check out my hot abs. If there was a poll asking who would the public like to see wash a car now, you or me, I would win hands down.

J: I am happy in my curves

A: Could you fit into the jeans I have on right now?

J: Maybe

A: No Jess, the answer is no.

J: I like my curves, I’m sexy.

A: You’re hungry

J: I still don’t want your life Ash, just drop it.

A: I know you want my life!

J: No I don’t

A: Yes you do! Yes you do!

J: Don’t! Don’t!

A: At least I could afford to get a nose job

J: Come here you little bitch, I’m gonna kill you!!!

How to be a longhaired man

The main thing to realise about long haired men is that they are usually going bald. They grow their hair to unusual lengths in an attempt to divert their acquaintances eyes from the top of their head to the long strands either side of their face. This surprisingly works in most cases however, the minute that shiny scalp starts to show then those long locks should be sheered off as soon as a sharp pair of scissors can be found. No-one should strive to look like they have purchased curtains for their head.

“What about Bill Bailey?” I hear you shout. Bill Bailey can pull off this unique look because he is 1) famous (if you are famous by all means grow your hair long and shave the top of your head for style purposes) and 2) Bill Bailey looks like a farmer, do you want to look like a farmer? (Have you seen Bill Bailey in Nanny McPhee, he may as well be a farmer they just found ploughing on location and asked to him to be in the film for the craic).

You are allowed to grow your hair if you are very intelligent. I don’t know exactly why flowing locks is a trend for University Challenge wannabees, maybe it is to feed their alter-ego who listens to Iron Maiden and rips bats heads off with their feet. Maybe it’s to hide the size of their enormous heads. Maybe they actually aren’t clever at all but have the answers to everything hidden on tiny pieces of paper behind their ears. Who knows? All I know is that it is acceptable for them to walk to and from the library with their flowing hair catching dirt on the pavement behind them.

Long hair can also ‘work’ if it is accompanied by some crazy piece of clothing, favourably something of a mustard shade. When people see these longhaired beings they think “That person is crazy!” or “Boy, I’d love to have his confidence,” instead of “Is that Samara from The Ring?”

Possible things to team your long hair with could be a poka-doted bow tie, a t-shirt with Noel Edmunds face on it or those shoes that form into a ridiculously long sharp point after the toes.

If you are insisting on having long hair, whether you are going bald or not, how about trying out some new styles so you don’t end up looking like you are permanently going to Fibber McGees. You could get cornrows, that way you would look cool while also solving the problem of your hair getting in the way during sex (in the unlikely event that you are getting any). You could tie it up in a pony tail, but this look must be accompanied with a book of poetry slung under your arm casually. Also, be careful with what you tie your hair up with, normal black bobbin from your sister is fine. A pink velvet scrunchie that you bought in Boots for €4.99 is not fine.

Or you could dye the tips a different colour, I suggest purple, so people think that you grew your hair for a dare, not just because you were curious to see what you looked like with pig-tails.

Excuses to give when you have been caught listening to a Hilary Duff album

1. “I’m researching for an article on shit music”
2. “I’m researching for a scientific experience on shit music”
3. “Oh my god I didn’t even realise, I am not with it today!”
4. “My sister put that on my iPod, she is such a bitch.”
5. “There’s a competition on the radio to find the missing lyric of this song”
6. “No I’m not; I’m listening to Bob Dylan obviously.” (run away)
7. “Who’s Hilary Duff?” (run away)
8. “I am making a mix CD for my little sisters birthday party and making sure these songs are suitable.”
9. “My dog just died and this was his favourite song.”
10. “My Mum just died and this was her favourite song.”