Child Actors

M = Macaulay Culkin (Home Alone 1 & 2)

A = Alex D. Linz (Home Alone 3)

A: Look at the state of us

M: Excuse me?

A: No offence, but really, we look awful

M: Eh, speak for yourself

A: I’m not saying I’m not horrible either, you just look a bit worse than me

M: How dare you!

A: Listen, we didn’t even have a chance

M: What are you talking about?

A: All those home alone films, we were the cutest kids on the planet! Every mother wanted us to be their son and every seven year old girl wanted us to be their teddy bear

M: Do not include me in that statement, I am a serious actor

A: Oh come on, we were only in those movies cause we were ADORABLE

M: I am an incredibly gifted and talented thespian of the arts

A: You had dimples that resembled new born kittens and little blue eyes that would melt an ice-sculptor of a polar bear’s heart.

M: Not that I rely on my looks, but what do you mean ‘had’

A: Well now, to be blunt, we are awfully ugly. We just peaked way too early. Twenty years too early to be exact.

M: I am very successful

A: (puts hand on shoulder) Listen, no need to lie, we all know you aren’t. You were, when you had hands the size of goldfish, but now you look like someone put your lips on backwards

M: I’m more successful than you

A: I know. My proudest moment was being the voice of young Tarzan. Where can I go from there? I’m 21 for crying out loud!

M: I must admit, sometime I do wish I could go back to those Richie Rich days. It was nice when people didn’t grimace at the sight of my face.

A: (sigh) Those were the days. Well, atleast we have eachother!

M: Ha ha SIKE Have you not seen my girlfriend?!

A: Oh yea. Shit. You win.

 

 

Back-up Facebook statuses

To sound clever: If Micheál Martin is a good Minister for Foreign Affairs then Nero was a good Roman Emperor!

To sound deadly: Just got home NOW! Anyone know where my shoes are and why I have seven jam jars in my handbag? LOL!

To sound poetic: The blue hue of the facebook logs shines brightly into my tiered eyes and the clock strikes 3am. The third slice of cheese on toast tastes bitter

To see if you actually have any friends: Who wants to come to the zoo with me tomorrow? Anyone…

To be skanky: I’m horny, goin out with the girls tonight, maybe someone will help me fix my little problem Oh I’m sooo bad! 😉

To get attention: Who knows the best free porn website? I’m avoiding college work and have five hours to kill.

To be subtle while still getting your point across: I know what I did was wrong and silly but I only did it once and it’s not like I’m going to see them again and no, that doesn’t make it worse.

To be ‘random’: If I was a dolphin my specialty would be high-fiving.

To be current: iPad? Who knew Apple’s next venture would be to try to take over the women’s toiletries market

 

Bus Stop Talk

Location: Bus stop, somewhere, anywhere, in Ireland.

You can usually spot the ones who are going to talk to you straight away. They are either quite withered or have a sort of glazed expression on their face, uncombed hair most of which is on their face and wearing some sort of see through rain mac.

Now the conversation can go two ways. It can be casual, involving lots of weather discussions and a nice bus timetable debate. This is good. This is the kind of bus stop conversation we all strive for. It usually starts with “God it is so sunny/rainy”. That’s your que to jump in there with a: “I know, isn’t it great/typical.” Now you are all set for a nice bus stop experience. The only thing that can ruin this is a long, awkward silence; the kind that makes you want to rip out your arm hair, strand by strand. However, this can easily be broken with a quick witted “Sure if the bus came on time we’d all miss it!” or the very popular “All the bus drivers run on their own schedule, they don’t even look at the bus times!” Use these phrases as many times as necessary.

The other way the conversation could go is down that dark, mind-numbingly boring route that involves every single thing that was different when they were your age. This usually begins with some sort of command: “stop smoking, it’s bad for you!” or “turn down your music, you’ll go deaf!”

Fight the urge to shout “No you stupid old knitted pooh-head, you may be telling the truth but I don’t want to hear it, alright?!” Starting on senior citizens never got anyone anywhere better than on Joe Duffy, defending themselves. The only way to have any sort of peaceful trip is to nod and smile. Nod goddamit! Nod until you feel sea sick! Make that smile believable and show off your tar stained teeth.

The next step is to confuse them. Say a phrase that cunningly seems like it means something but in fact makes no sense at all, such as: “I wish” or “If only”. This makes the enemy (leather glove, tan-tights, purple-wash hair lady) think that they have gotten through to you somehow. They will now try to tell you about their childhood and here there is a risk of you being fascinated. “What, this whole estate used to be woodland? Every morning you’d walk to Tallagh to collect milk from the dairy? You were so poor your cart was drawn by a dog and a pig?”

Stop it! Remember they are the devil in the disguise of a pensioner and the minute they think they have you fooled they will hit you with a mighty: “We were skin and bones in those days, the opposite of you.” Your only escape now is, when the bus comes, run up those stairs like Josh Hartnett’s life depended on it. Oh peaceful upstairs, full of young, fresh legged, smoking, drinking, swearing, deaf passengers.