Drunken Sailor stays the course

Portsmouth, 9:00am

Baby Alex “Drunken” Duncan

Since the day he was born Alex Duncan had little choice but to be a sailor. His father was a sailor as was his grandfather and his grandfather before him. Alex was born in Portsmouth to Harry and Sandra Duncan. “Ever since he was born we knew little Alex was going to grow up to be a drunken sailor. Some things are just inevitable really” said Harry. “Even since he was a boy little Alex would always be playing at being a drunken sailor, he’ed fill up his bottle, knock it back then he’ed throw it at the nearest wall…his first words were “oi oi boys”.

Alex on his first day of school

 

When Alex started school his choice to be a sailor was a bone of contention explains his mother “Well on the first day he wore a sailor suit, the school only said he had to wear “a uniform” they never specified that it had to be a school uniform. Of course the school objected to it….we had a very hard time finding a lawyer to take the case, but luckily for us we did. The court ruled in our favour  and Alex was allowed to wear his sailor suit to school.” With the schools acquiescence on the issue of the uniform the family thought it would be plain sailing for Alex, it was far from it. “In school children didn’t understand Alex,  he was a bullied alot. They would call him names like “Popeye”, “Ahab” and “Alex the weird stupid gay little sailor that no one likes” one time they made him drink salt water until he got sick and another time they chased him around the playground trying to harpoon him with sticks.”

Despite being bullied Alex still managed to make some friends and on the day he graduated from School some students and even a teacher wore sailor suits to show their support for Alex. “That was absolutely lovely, it meant so much to Alex or at least it would if he could remember it…” By graduation Alex had started to embrace the “Drunken” part of his destiny. “He was drinking so much it was amazing really, bottle of rum after bottle of rum I have no idea how he got into university, I mean physically. He cant drive and he was so pissed he couldn’t walk.”

Alex in a drunken stupor

 

After he finished university it was time for Alex to fully embrace his destiny, he enlisted in the Royal Navy but during his training his drinking increasingly caused problems. According to a Royal Navy spokesperson “He had to be removed because he could not accept the strict discipline required for life at sea”. Alex was finally expelled from the Royal Navy after an incident involving the family member of a high ranking officer. According to a source who trained with Alex “he was so drunk one night we decided to really stick it to him, we broke into a Captains on base housing and put Alex in the bed with the Captains daughter, that’s right we put him in the bed with the Captains daughter.”

Alex Duncan as he is now “I aint ganna talk about it”

 

After Alex was expelled from the Navy he decided to become a commercial fisherman, his family have no heard from him in years. He was tracked down to his boat but he was unwilling to talk to us.

(For the real story click here )

Dec (dec@comedyireland.ie)