What Have The English Ever Done For Us?

Sweary
Now, now. I’m not trying to make my recently-made-redundant readers feel more comfortable. Being available for pints in the middle of the day, all day, every day, would not be great. No one’s insinuating that you wouldn’t be absolutely toss-sick of being ramshackled at four in the afternoon if you had to keep it up for longer than a wedding weekend. Either that, or you’d be all-too-merry on the road to alcoholism. But the odd time, the very odd time, it’s nice to be able to pop on a whim into a comfy bar, sup a pint, and pretend to be students. Which is what me and my cousin Balls did yesterday. I am on holidays, you know.

Going for pints in the early afternoon really stretches the day out. I’ve done it twice since leaving work on Friday, and both times it was a pleasant sensation to wander out of a pub, relaxed and refreshed, to discover that it was only three thirty and there was still a glut of opportunities ready to be taken advantage of – blog posts to write, video games to play, exotic vegetables to roast and toss in olive oil. I always wondered, on watching Coronation Street, why in God’s name the English spent their lunchtimes in the pub. Rampant dypsomania? An uncontrollable urge for Liz McDonald’s knobbly tights? And all along, it turns out that they’re masters of time and space and stretching one to best fit the other!

Why they’ve confined this talent to white wines at one pm is beyond me, but anyway.

Yes, pints in the afternoon are great. Pretending to be students by engaging canvassers on the UCC campus in debates regarding Union nominations is great. Phoning Balls’ girlfriend and telling her we’re going to poo on the quad is great. I’m very, very satisfied with how the day went, and how my holidays are going in general, so you’ve come to the wrong place if you’re expecting a virulent rant today.

One more thing. I’ve seen a trailer for a movie called Lesbian Vampire Killers, and I’m confused. Does the title refer to killers of lesbian vampires? To lesbians who kill vampires? Or to vampire lesbians who like to kill? And is it worth nine quid to visit me Omniplex to find out?