Dear Bono

Dear Bono,

I am writing to ask you a big favour on behalf of the people of Ireland: Even though the people didn’t ask me to. Rumour has it that you have postponed the building of your U2 Tower. If this is not true then just ignore this piece and read something else in this fabulous magazine. If it is true then answer me this, why? Why turn your back on us now when we need you most? If you hadn’t noticed your birth country is in the midst of a grim recession. But you knew that didn’t you? That’s why you have chosen to hold off on your skyscraper plans.

I live nearby the site, in fact if it ever does get built I will be able to see it from my bedroom window if I dangle my body out at an angle and have somebody strong holding my legs inside so I don’t fall and smash my frail body into oddly shaped pieces. But maybe you want me to fall? Because I have a voice and I’m using it to try and make our country better. Bono we need your money more than ever now. In fact have you ever given money to this country? You don’t pay tax here therefore your hard earned cash goes elsewhere. Oh maybe you have splashed out on the odd breakfast roll in Spar or put your loose change into an Irish parking meter, but Irish people spend so much money on you, U2. We put your albums to the top of the chart. We make your concerts sell out in seconds. So why not give something back?

Yes Bono I know there is a new album out to satisfy fans but how are we Irish folk going to afford to buy it? Our economy is dead. The smell of the Celtic Tiger rotting is making us wretch not to mind the sight of the maggots that are eating its decomposing corpse.

So what I am trying to say is go ahead and build that tower like planned. Do it now: right now. Pick up your freebie phone and tell those building contractors to go ahead and start sticking those blocks on top of each other with cement. I’ll help if you want, I live nearby and I don’t care for my nails. Give us a boost. Give this country a focus. Make that tower a beacon of hope. Don’t do what Billy Ocean sang repeatedly (1986).  Just because the going has got tough, it doesn’t mean the tough should get going. Build Bono build. Your still going to make money on the place in the long run so it’s not as if it’s strictly charity now is it?

Your employees will be so happy for work that whistling will be heard for miles. And the whistling will spread and get louder and louder. And it will annoy some people as some people believe that whistling is the sign of the devil. But fuck them. Let them eat home baked cake: because that’s what’s going to happen if you don’t build this tower now. We will have to start baking our own cakes and we’ll be keeping chickens in our utility rooms. Or we’ll all be heading to Clifden to get turf for our fires, as Ryan Tubridy suggested as a budget tip on the RTE website. We’ll be getting into our cars and driving across the country forking out our hard earned cash on petrol to get turf for our fires. Do you want that to happen Bono? Do you want ridiculous tips on how to survive this recession popping up on every website?

I know you are a very powerful and extremely charitable man. You are also a musical genius. Your country needs you: your Irish brothers and sisters especially ones wearing hard hats and high visibility vests. And no don’t get Naomi Campbell after me. Because of my lack of funds I still have one of those old fat Nokia phones and that will do more damage to her beautiful face than her new state of the art freebie will do to mine.

Lots of Love
Carol