Science must 'capture' imagination

Dr. Von Faltermeyer

Dr. Harold Von Faltermeyer sparked controversy when he suggested that imagination must be eradicated in order to allow for scientific progress. Dr. Von Faltermeyer, who received a Noble Prize in physics was speaking at the launch of a new laboratory which will practice what he calls “Fundamentalist Science”. “Imagination is illogical, it cannot be measured or analysed. I and my colleagues therefore feel it must be captured and contained safely, or destroyed if possible” says Von Faltermeyer. The research institute will employ numerous methods in their quest to destroy all imagination. “There will of course be a direct approach but we will also employ more subtle methods to achieve our aim.”

Black Eyed Peas

“We have already begun the process of using music to destroy imagination. The Black Eyed Peas are part of our organisation, they are actually four highly trained scientists who use scientific procedure to ensure they produce the most repetitive, hum drum, middle of the road and uninspiring music. They use constant repeated patterns to ensure that the last thing anyone wants to do while listening to them is to use their brain. Technically psychological abuse of this behaviour would be deemed a war crime but if you ask the Black Eyed Peas they’ll deny any of this so as far as the UN concerned the Black Eyed Peas are just another band.”

United Nations

The United Nations issued a brief statement on the issue “The Black Eyed Peas are a bigger threat to young minds than television and cocaine combined. Black Eyed Peas top producer Will-I-Am responded to these accusations by saying “This is just insane, this is just insane, this is just insane”.

“Fundamentalist Scientist”

The establishment of the laboratory comes on top of a growth in fundamentalist science over recent years. According to Sociologist Jens Kernkraft “The materialist nature of modern society has turned people away from the idea that there is more to life than possessions. These days people would rather have a Plasma TV than spiritual fulfilment. People respond more to the immediate pay offs that science offers as opposed to the long term benefits of prayer.” Richard Dawkins is a key example of a “Fundamentalist Scientist.” A man so obsessed with the benefits of science that he does not care who he offends in his quest to convince everyone that he is right “and if they don’t like it they can fuck off.”

Dr. Von Faltermeyer has launched legal action against anything that he deems encouraging to imagination, including the internet, the written word and tin foil.