Ireland ‘backs EU treaty’

Ireland has said an emphatic Yes to the Lisbon treaty. By almost a two thirds majority the Lisbon Treaty has been ratified on the second try. The Lisbon treaty is aimed at reforming the European Union, as such it has attracted attention around the world. Below are some reactions to the Yes vote.

An Taoiseach Brian Cowen: “F**king delighted. Jaysus I needed that.”

Declan Ganley, Libertas Leader: “I won’t be back, I’ll never be back, you won’t have Declan Ganley to kick around anymore….but this was very, very undemocratic and I will continue to point this out whenever and where ever I see fit. I won’t be back, I am not going to be back. This is the last you have heard of me, I am going to stop talking, right now. This is it, no more from me. I am gone, the end, sín é, thats all she wrote, goodnight Vienna there will be no encores, theres nothing more for me to say, good day, the end, end of story …..(Mr. Ganley continued for several more minutes but in the interest of a fair and balanced article it has been decided we will limit the space devoted to him)

Spokesman for the alliance of  penniless left wingers: Oh man…this is some heavy shit. I don’t get it, we told everyone how bogus it was. Why don’t they listen when we’re telling them the truth. They’re just so blinded by capitalism and the lies of the white man that they can’t hear the truth when I tell them.

Gordon Gecko, Capitalist Big Wig: Mwahahahahahahahahahah.

Barry O’Halloran: My son (above) just recieved his draft card. He is to report to Bruselles tomorrow for E.U Army Boot Camp, he will then be sent to fight the Chinese, or America, or just to saunter around somewhere in Africa like he owns the place. I think it’s a good thing, it’s about time he grew up and became a man.

Eamonn DeValera

Eamonn De Valera (speaking through a psychic medium): I am very, very dissappointed in all of you. To think of all the trouble I went to and this is how you repay me. Instead of comely maidens dancing at the crossroads you will have…..foreign comely maidens dancing at the motorway. Shame on you all.

Cóir Spokesman

Spokesman for Youth Defence Cóir: HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE ! AWAITS YE ! YOU DARE QUESTION THE DIVINE WILL OF GOD. HE HAS PREORDAINED THAT WE IN CÓIR ARE THE TRUE KEEPERS OF THE FAITH. NO MEANS NO, EXCEPT IN WEDLOCK OR INDUSTRIAL SCHOOLS, WHEN IT SUITS US NO MEANS NO. WE NOW KNOW WE HAVE A MANDATE TO BECOME INVOLVED IN POLITICS AND NO ONE CAN TELL US OTHERWISE. IRELAND NEEDS A FUNDAMENTAL CHRISTIAN RIGHT WING GROUP NOW MORE THAN EVER !!!!!!!!

All the major political parties (aside from Sinn Fein) are breathing a sigh of relief after the vote, as it is a resounding win for the political establishment. Sources say the key to the success of the referendum was money provided by the European Parliament to hire Channel 4’s “Devil Man” Derren Brown. In a long and exhausting campaign money proved to be the defining factor with the Yes side remaining relatively rich in pocket after the campaign. In contrast, it is thought the combined resources of the No campaign is 1.84 after Lisbon.

(For the real story click here)

Dec (dec@comedyireland.ie)