Bear attacks tourists at Japan bus station

Ranger Terence McMelland

A bear has attacked tourists in a Japanese bus station. The incident is thought to have occured after the bear lost control when he realised he did not have enough change for the vending machine. Ranger Terence McMelland of the US Forest and Wildlife service has written a book on how to identify, anticipate and survive encounters with bears, he shares his advice for dealing with bears.

“Every bear is a coldblooded killer”

“The first thing you need to know is that every bear is a coldblooded killer” says McMelland. “Like sharks all a bear needs is an excuse and he will rip you to pieces. I spent my life studying bears, from polar to panda and in the book I go into the psyche of the murderous bear.”

Peruvian Maramalade Bear

“Bears love food, they will do literally anything for it. They aren’t hindered by laws or morals like people are, it’s literally as if they are a wild animal. In Peru there is a bear that will actually masquerade as a person of small stature with the intention of tricking people out of marmalade sandwiches. Fortunately this Bear is extremely rare and only appears every couple of decades in times of great nostalgia.”

Pooh Bear

“The Pooh Bear is a very dangerous bear, he is one of the oldest species of bear. He is very interesting because he chooses to wear a shirt and no trousers. This of course means that he is a sexual deviant as well as an ice cold killer and that makes him particularly dangerous. He is particularly fond of Honey, so if you’re camping or live near a wooded area be sure to seal any honey containers tightly and hide them in a safe place, somewhere a bear would never look.”

Bear Grylls

“Bear Grylls, along with the Peruvian Marmalade Bear is a very deceptive animal. Bear Grylls has produced his own television program where he shows people how easy it is to survive in the wilderness. What people don’t know is that he uses this as a means to lure people into the jungle where he kills and eats them, he also looks deceptively like a human.”

Rupert The Bear

“Rupert The Bear isn’t dangerous, he is just annoying and thinks he’s better than you.”

The McMelland Jar Solution

McMelland also offers a solution to the bear problem which he claims is rampant. “The McMelland Jar Solution is very simple, we encase every bears head in a jar. It is the only way we can be sure we are safe from the constant threat of bear attacks. If we don’t encase every potential threat to us in a jar then we wont survive as a species.”

PETA “Ridiculous”

PETA spokesperson Pamela Anderson dismissed the McMelland Jar Solution as “a ridiculous and hysterical reaction to something that doesn’t affect or bother that many people and is just someone trying to get attention by signing up to something thats high profile and low consequence.”

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dec@comedyireland.ie