Clontarf, Dublin 09:00

The Red Army Crest The Dunes of Dollymount Strand


In what has been described as “unprecidented” and “unexpected” the Clontarf Historical Society styling themselves on the assembled fuedal masses of the ancient Irish Kingdom of Leinster fought off the army of the now defunct Soviet Union. At the break of day on Saturday morning the first troops of the Soviet Invasion force were sighted on the horizon off of Dollymount strand in Clontarf. Upon spying the boats local residents alerted the authorities.  Speaking in the aftermath of the battle Mairead Sullivan, chairwoman of the neighbourhood watch association said “We saw the boats and I rang the Gardaí,they thought I was joking so I didn’t really know what to do so I called my brother”. “Well I’m head of the local historical society” said her brother Connor, “I rang the members of  the society and we decided we weren’t going to let anyone push us around, this is Clontarf after all. We went to the society and got the gear we have for the mock battles.”

Clontarf Historical Society Assemble at Playing field to face Russians.


As the Russians embedded themselves on the beach the Historical Society prepared for battle. “Him and his society” said Connors wife Margret. “I had plans on Saturday, but he loves his little battles and well, it was a lovely day out, so I got the kids ready and made tea and sandwiches”.

Soviet Army look on in confusion at the approaching Historical Society


At mid-day the society set out to meet the Red Army. A spokesman for the Red Army said “Ve didn’t understand vhat ve vere seeing, ve thought it vas  joke at first. Ve didn’t actually think they vould do battle and ve certainly didn’t think they vould be wicktorious”  That victory would come at a cost, by the end of the battle one member of the historical society would be death, the Red Army would be in ruins and the famous “Clontarf Yacht Club” had to close early because of battle damages.

Crowds Support the Historical Society


“We owe a lot of our victory to the supporters who turned out on the day, they kept us going through the hard times, especially when the Reds had that flamethrower and set Fiachras anorak on fire, that was a bit hairy. This victory is for everybody in the historic Kingdom of Leinster.”


Through a spokesman Minister for Defence Willie O’ Dea said “I’d like to really congratulate the Clontarf Historical Society for their hard work in keeping us safe from the Red Army, well done lads.” A spokesperson for the Office of An Taoiseach said “We echo Minister O’ Deas sentiments of gratitude, we would also like to assure the public that this was an isolated incident and was as random as it was unexpected.”


When asked what his plans for the rest of the bank holiday weekend were Connor said “Well tomorrow I’m having an extra long sleep and then I suppose anything goes”


(For the real story go to http://www.carlowpeople.ie/breaking-news/sport/rugby/shock-as-leinster-rout-red-army-1727218.html)


– Dec (dec@comedyireland.ie)

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