How To Act In Social Situations : Step 1 Dave September 17, 2013 Blogs, How To Act In Social Situations Falling asleep in class Location: A lecture Fred: the part of your brain that wants to sleep Martha: the part that really wants you to stay awake F: Mmm, I wonder what space looks like a night and zzz M: WAKE UP! F: Jesus, no need to shout! We just jumped out of our skin. M: Do you even realise how important this class is? You havent even got your A4 pad out, did you remember your pen this morning? F: Eh, yea. Of course. Whos stupid enough to forget their oh, I dont have a pen. M: Typical, well sit there and listen with all your might F: Ok, hmm the definition of that is I wonder whether Miss. Trunchbull ever actually killed any kids cause she threw them really hard and zzz M: What are you doing? Do you want us to stay here all summer and repeat? F: No M: No we dont F: Sorry. Ill listen now. I will. M: I dont trust you. Shake a bit first, to wake up. F: Shake? How am I suppose to shake a bit in the middle of class without everyone wondering what Im doing? M: Just do it smoothly. Turn it into a stretch F: Like this? M: Yes, reach over, shake your head a bit. I said a bit! Stop, stop shaking. Now everyone is looking. F: Sorry, I got too into it M: And you wonder why were single F: Hey, that is a lifestyle choice! M: Just be quiet and listen to the nice lecture man. F: Right, so a socialist society would mean that pop it, lock it, poka-dot it, countrified then hip-hop it zzz M: How do you know so much of that song? F: what what? I mean, Im awake, Im kicking, Im ready to rock this class M: What class is this? F: Politics? M: -silence- F: Critical thinking? M: -silence- F: That isnt a subject, is it? M: -silence- F: Im trying, I am. Please dont do that silent treatment. I hate that. Can we watch Bandslam later? M: Im not talking to you F: Im sorry. Ill listen now. I will M: Promise? F: Promise! M: Ok, theres ten minutes left of class, if we borrow a pen off someone maybe it wont have been a complete waste. F: Great. Woo! Listening. Listening in class. Listening in class is fun. I love learning. Doo doo doo. Papa dont preach, Ive been loosing sleep mmm sleep zzz M: If he even thinks hes watching a bit of Bandslam later he has another thing coming Munchies after the club Location: A well lit, kebab providing establishment placed strategically between you and your taxi home Dont, I repeat DONT even enter these premises without being incredibly intoxicated. The kind of intoxication that would result in you ending up in a ditch if you attempted to drive, even though there are no ditches on the route home. You are just so drunk you would somehow find a ditch to drive into, if someone as drunk as you let you drive. Like your blood is almost turning into three Coronas for a 10. That is the level I am talking about. Otherwise you will immediately regret your cuisine decision once you have that faithful first bite. Old, dripping meat carved off a miniature version on a stripper pole doesnt taste that good when you are sober enough to recall you past three drinks. Upon entering the premises, if you are not of the rich variety, it is very likely that you will begin a debate in your head about whether to spend your taxi fare on chips because, quite frankly, what is a burger without cheese and garlic fries on the side? A mere starter. Not the meal that you deserve after all that effort you exuded drinking so much. How many times did you walk to and from the bar and your seat? Millions of times, almost a mini marathon, no wonder you are starving! However tempting it may seem though, dont give into this temptation. Home may seem like only around the corner, a quick stroll sure, its NOT and the minute you start sobering up is the minute you will realise you are ten miles from home and hungry again. When waiting in the queue make sure to practice saying your order a few times under your breath because even though they are very used to it, the people working there still havent mastered the art of slur language. Chick birder and chez wid Die die Cook (Chicken burger with cheese with Diet Coke) will only get you a bemused expression which can be intimidating and will really just ruin your whole dining experience since in that kind of state any negativity towards you becomes the main topic of conversation. You will spend so much time bitching about the cold stare the person at the till gave you to the other members of the queue that you will be continually skipped and there is a huge possibility of your food being stolen. Now, most importantly the minute you get that food, head for the hills. Jump, skip and trip straight into the nearest taxi (usually found well past Christ Church). Ever wonder where those strange numbers in your phone of people who you are sure you have never met before in your life come from? They came from those times that you sat down at 3am and ate your food on the premises. Its like a speed dating session but with friendship instead of romantic intent at the back of these fake-meat shops. You all bond over your mutual love of alcohol and the type of food that starts to jellify the minute it is exposed the oxygen. By the time you are half way through your meal youve already arranged group cinema outings and a night out in Citibar. No, no, no. Go home in a nice taxi. Dont be tempted by the sweet, sticky smell creeping from the hot, brown paper bag on your lap. Run into your room, get into bed, set up the newly downloaded episodes of Hey Arnold! on your laptop and relish every bite (approx 4 bites, max). When you wake up with lettuce stuck with mayo to various parts of your body, when you find a slice of onion two weeks later in your pillow case or when your friends come around and judge you on the suspicious stains on your sheet; you wont mind because you will know it was all worth it. Putting on weight Lies to tell yourself to make you feel better about the whole situation Snickers are actually really good for you, cause of all the nuts. Ill start tomorrow because today was official eat butter on everything day, which is a family tradition I cant break or Ill end up in an arranged marriage. Im turning Vegan on Monday so I have to eat as many quarter pounders as possible so I dont get cravings next week. Im single so therefore allowed to eat any amount of chocolate at any time of the day or night, have you not seen the Galaxy ads? I ate Special K for breakfast and therefore I wont get fat from anything I eat after that. Most of my weight is actually my arms, like look how long they are. Most of my weight is actually my hair, like look how long it is. Celebrities have personal trainers so Im never going to look like them. I might as well eat this whole box of biscuits and wallow. Im just really bloated because I drunk nearly a whole bottle of water today. Im not fat; when I eat with a giant knife and fork I actually look nearly anorexic. Tweet
