Swine flu cases in UK now estimated at 100,000

London, 9:00

Swine flu has started to take hold in Europe after completely devastating South America. There are an estimated 100,000 cases in the UK, the number is thought to be growing rapidly. The virus is thought to have arrived on one of the last refugee flights from what was Mexico city. A spokesman for the British Army which has “assumed control” of the greater London area said “we don’t know how the passenger, who we are now calling patient zero bypassed the quarantine but at this point….it doesn’t really matter.”

Several South American Governments Failed To Contain Virus

 

The H1N1 or “swine flu” virus first appeared in Mexico City. It is not yet certain how exactly the virus works but when it enters a host body it moves quickly. The victim’s movement’s become slowed and they become highly aggressive towards those free of the virus and attack them scratching and biting. If a healthy person is attacked by an infected and the skin is broken then the healthy person will become infected. The highly transferable and aggressive nature of the virus has made it almost impossible to contain with the world health organization quoting the number of infected in South America as “at least 90%”

“Blitz spirit innit”

 

Despite the seriousness of the situation that now faces them the people of Britain remain upbeat and determined to continue living their normal lives. A spokesperson for the East London Association of Stall Traders said “Blitz spirit innit, what made this country great innit. Not gonna let no zombie push us around are we, oh my days.” He went on to tell how times are good for the independent trader and offered to sell me a “guaranteed, genuine, 100% antidote at a knockdown price”.

Wales “worse than being eaten alive”

 

The house of parliament, the Royal Family and the house of lords have all been relocated to Wales. One MP was heard to remark that this was “worse than being eaten alive and walking the world forever as a zombie”. It was initially hoped by the government to relocate to Scotland, but the Scottish parliament released a statement simply saying “Go on tae fuck”. Speaking from Cardiff Gordon Brown said “We are doing are best to contain the situation, as I speak the army has contained London, all travel is forbidden a curfew has been imposed. Special squads of police and army are training night and day on an intense virtual reality simulation program to deal with this exact situation.

“intense virtual reality simulation excersize”

 

As of now the Dail and the Northern Ireland Assembly have agreed that all travel between the islands of Ireland and Britain will be suspended until the situation can be resolved. Neither Dublin nor Belfast will be accepting refugees or stag parties from England.

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Dec (dec@comedyireland.ie)