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Blogs Khmer Rouge Strippergram Why Wait?
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| Blogs | Khmer Rouge Strippergram |
| Written by Khmer Rouge Strippergram on Wednesday, 16 December 2009 09:43 |
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The Special Christmas issue of Glutton magazine presents insider information detailing 30 Things Your Waiter Will Never Tell You
1. Your crab cakes take so long because we're all round the back gambling on the outcome of a fight to the death. You'll get the loser. 2. The meat in that lobster shell may not necessarily be the meat from that lobster. Nor necessarily lobster meat. 3. You might spot the lipstick on your wine glass, but you won't see it on your tomatoes. 4. When we say a dish is "home-made," we mean "carehome-made". 5. "Sourced locally" means the freezer is a couple of yards away. Or means anything living that passes the back door. 6. The correct pronunciation of the main course changes every hour on the hour. 7. The word "chateau" on a bottle of French wine translates not as "castle" but "cat water." 8. Any food on the menu labeled organic has been in contact with one or more of the chef's organs. 9. A bad tipper is an unhappy customer who won't be coming back. That's why we have to follow them home to take revenge. 10. If you send your soup back because it's cold we'll just turn the heating off in the dining room for ten minutes. You'll be grateful for it then. 11. We put sugar in the kids' food so they'll enjoy it. Unfortunately it also makes them hyper, so we put sedatives in as well. 12. We are hovering near your table to try to hear personal information that we can use with your credit card details. 13. We've doubled the service charge because that's not your wife and you won't cause a scene. Well your wife didn't last night. 14. The reasons the toilets are cleaner than the kitchen is because we don't like our drugs to be contaminated with bacteria when we snort them. Also, that's where we butcher the pigs. 15. If you want your fiancée to find a ring in her meal, specify the starters. Anything in the kitchen worth more than 10 bucks will be in the pawnshop before you've ordered your wine. 16. We will always recommend the strongest booze. That way you'll be too pissed to read the check properly at the end of the night. 17. We uncork the bottle at your table so that you can see that the bottle has not been opened before. What you don't see is us putting the labels on. 18. The badger is an endangered species because it can be made to taste like pork, beef, chicken, and lamb. 19. It can also be made to taste like fish, but it's very fiddly for us to put all the bones in. 20. If you're having cucumber and you don't ask for the rind to be removed, you've only yourself to blame if you get ill. 21. You might think you're in a better class of restaurant because the condiments don't come in sachets, but that only makes it easier for us to recycle them. 22. Don't worry about getting really drunk and puking up your food at the end of the night. The chef will have beaten you by at least two hours. 23. If you're on a date and are abrupt with me in order to impress her, the next time I'm near you I'll drop one surreptitiously. 24. If you want service with a smile, stand on your head. 25. The blowtorch we use on the creme brulée is actually kept in the kitchen for customers who try to do a runner. 26. Just because that lump in the seafood platter looks like phlegm, it doesn't mean it is. It could just be slime. 27. If you expect me to change that dirty knife for you, you can also expect me to visit the loo on the way back from the kitchen. 28. Any meat that is on the floor for more than 10 seconds will get a thorough cleaning by the kitchen cat before being covered in sauce and returned to your table. 29. Only the freshest ingredients and the best-quality products are used in our meals. Usually we eat them at home before coming to work to serve you. 30. The chef may not have laid the eggs, but he almost certainly laid the chicken. Kudos to Manuel. 
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