The December issue of Chicago Monthly suggests “25 Ways You Can Cut Those Energy Bills Right Now”:

1: With the correct deployment of mirrors, streetlighting can be harnessed for nighttime reading.

2: You can minimize dishwasher loads by having the whole family eat off one plate and use the same spoon.

3: It only costs 2 cents an hour to use a slow cooker, which works out at just 16 cents for an 8-hour roast. Come home at lunchtime to prepare a late supper, or prepare a hearty lunch by getting up at 4 in the morning.

4: Illinois still uses the electric chair as a secondary means of execution. Write your local congressperson and campaign for its abolition. The garrote, the noose, and the guillotine can all be operated manually. Recommend the state switch to one of them instead.

5: It’s the middle of winter and fucking freezing outdoors. Save on refrigeration costs by putting your food in the backyard overnight. Feral cats will keep the birds and rats away.

6: Make sure all your doors and windows are sealed firmly so that no electricity can escape.

7: Instead of using your computer to look at porn, buy a magazine instead. For variety you can get the kids to cut the heads of filmstars out of Entertainment Weekly and paste them in.

8: Avoid using your drier. Run around the house in wet clothes flapping your arms.

9: Instead of eating toasted sandwiches, eat sandwiches with lots of English mustard, horseradish, and Tabasco sauce on. To re-create the crunchiness of toasted sandwiches, simply add crushed potato chips.

10: Rather than watch all that shite on TV, make your own set using a cereal box with a screen cut out and a roll of pictures wrapped round knitting needles. That way, you get to see what you want to watch, plus there’s no need for a video: Just rewind and watch again.

11: If you can’t do without TV, turn it off whenever the adverts come on.

12: Put a dimmer switch on your satellite dish so that it only picks up English-language stations.

13: Cold spots in your house? Call in an exorcist. The Catholic church will do this for nowt.

14: Turn off the heating and use candles for both heat and light, just like your parents used to. Enhance the effect by covering your walls and ceiling in phosphorescent paint.

15: Cook your food for a shorter time than usual and just eat the outside bits.

16: If you’re moving house, try to find somewhere nearer the equator.

17: Insulating your loft saves money in the long run, but you can achieve the same impact now by putting all your garbage in the attic.

18: Go to bed in fleecey pajamas and pile on blankets. Masturbate repeatedly but without finishing yourself off in order to avoid the rapid decline in body temperature that would ensue. All good mountaineers know: Orgasm = Certain Death.

19: If you have a wood-burning fireplace, the greater the surface area of the wood you burn, the more efficiently you’re using heat, so whittle down all your logs and then use a pencil sharpener on them before setting light to them. This will take up most of the night and generate such a sweat that you probably won’t need the fire and can go straight to bed.

20: Play “Scott of the Antarctic” with the kids by making them wear all their outdoor clothes indoors and setting up a “tent” in the living room.

21: Make a campfire of superfluous items around the house: non-pornographic magazines, non-cereal box cardboard, furniture, children’s toys, shoes (it’s too cold to go outside anyway).

22: Seal up the cat flap and put a balaclava on your cat. Most of the heat loss in a house is lost through the cat’s head.

23: Get your electric iron ready by warming it for six hours on the radiator.

24: Block up any cubby holes, nooks, crannies, bookshelves, and so on where valuable heat can hide.

25: It’s a waste of time, effort, and energy trying to remember if your appliances are turned on or off. Leave everything on standby just in case and you’ll have more time to devote to saving energy elsewhere.

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